Friday, 5 May 2017

The Most Magnificent Sighting in Kruger Park

I've written about Kruger National Park before, and I'll do it again. You can't stop me. I've posted some pictures of the incredible animals we've seen there in a previous entry. And there's another one coming.

But nothing will match the absolute glory and natural splendour of the creature I stumbled across at a picnic site on our most recent visit to the park. 

I assume it's breeding season because this male specimen appeared to be in rut. At least that's what I think because his plumage was on full display. 

As is the case with any creature in the animal kingdom, the male struts around ridiculously in an attempt to lure a mate, and this was no exception. 

Without further ado, I give you the South African Boer:


Note the intricacies of his garb.

First, the ever popular two-toned shirt. Here, they simply call it a khaki shirt (though they also come in shades of blue or green). I assume it's because in Afrikaans, the word for "crap" is "kak," which makes khaki a catch-all phrase to describe this peculiar fashion choice. Because the Boer knows he's got stiff competition from other aggressive Boers looking to mate, he isn't content to don apparel in just one colour. In fact, the lighter shade draws attention to his broad shoulders and ample breasts. This particular one has some intricate designs on the fabric to show his senstive, artistic side, along with the words "Off Road" to let his potential mates know he's not one of those sissy city Boers. 

But the Boer in rut isn't content to stop there, even though the shirt alone is striking enough. Drink in the stunning short shorts. The minimal length maximises thigh exposure. I've heard an expression here that goes "the nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat." It was in reference to lamb chops, but it seems to apply to apparel as well, and the Boers are very proud of their sweet thigh meat. I actually had to take several pictures because these shorts are not only sartorially spot-on, they also have the added advantage of highlighting the dominant males' testicles due to the shorts' snugness, which seems to be highly desirable to Boer females. The only way I could get a picture of him that would be appropriate for a family-friendly blog such as this was in mid-stride with the crease concealing his mate bait. You need to use caution around rutting Boers, because if they sit down directly in your line of sight, you may see more than you bargained for and will have to rinse your eyes with gallons and gallons of bleach afterwards. Also, if you look closely, you'll notice extra cargo pockets in this specimen's hot pants, because the two pockets in his shirt are simply not capable of carrying all the thousands of phone numbers suitors keep throwing at him. 

This particular male has opted for somewhat conservative socks that just peek above his boots, but it's not uncommon to see the Boer wearing socks that come up to their knees, which drives the ladies wild as they imagine what glorious treasures lie beneath the woollen covering blocking their view. 

And the outfit wouldn't be complete without the ubiquitous slip-on boots. These are effective for keeping both snakes and women away. The Boer will earnestly tell you this attire is pragmatic for work on the farm, but you'll often observe Boer males in groups - far from their farms and clearly not going to work - dressed exactly the same. 

If you're ever in South Africa and want to see one of these beauties for yourself, your best bet is to travel to one of the smaller towns; I haven't seen them in large herds in Johannesburg or Pretoria yet, but if you're lucky you may see a lone Boer who has been waylaid on his migration route. To really see them in all their splendour though, you need to be at least an hour outside the major city centres. 

I'm very grateful that I'm from Canada, and we have absolutely nothing that anyone could conceivably make fun of us for. Because who could possibly find fault with the Canadian Tuxedo?

Certainly not THESE guys. (source)

And there's nothing more beautiful than the Salmo Dinner Jacket. 

Nothing to see here. Other than pure, unadulterated Canadian awesomeness. (Source)

OK, fine. Maybe we're just as bad. Your turn, South Africa. Let 'er rip. 


  1. LOL! I nearly missed this. What a great post. My husband can tell a long lamenting tale of too short shorts worn by SA males.

    1. The hot pants they insist on wearing are absolutely horrific! I feel like carrying around some spare blankets to help these poor guys cover up.

  2. I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose while reading this (also a good look by the way).
    Miss your face, Maloney!

    1. Then get over here and visit! We miss you guys too!

  3. I think you are jealous because 99% of the men in Canada are either obese or weaklings.

    1. Hey's only 98%. I do appreciate your comment, even though it's from someone that's so afraid of a weak, obese Canadian that you hide anonymously behind your keyboard. :)