Update: 66.6% of South African Traffic Police are Corrupt

A few months ago, I made the bold claim that 100% of the traffic police here are corrupt. Based on my personal experiences at the time, that was the honest truth. To be fair though, I thought I should post an update, lest you get the impression honesty is hard to come by in South Africa. I'm pleased to report that while I was stopped two more times since then, I only encountered one more corrupt police officer, bringing my average to 66.6% corruption. Not bad.

When I'm driving, and especially in South Africa, I don't speed, I don't use my phone, and I follow all other applicable traffic rules. It's definitely not because I'm a good person. Anybody who knows me will tell you categorically that I'm not. It's just that I'm a giant wuss and don't want to see the inside of a jail cell. Not even if the cell is filled with chocolate and Betty White.

Despite following all the rules, I've still been pulled over three times (so far) by South African traffic police. I already wrote about the first time. The second time, I was driving on a very busy highway just before Christmas. They call Christmas "Silly Season" here, and it's because the highways get rather crazy, and in an effort to combat the insanity, traffic police set up roadblocks roughly every 30 metres to make sure everyone is following the rules. Or, more specifically, so that rule-breakers will offer bribes in order to continue breaking the rules. Because virtually every driver here is breaking some sort of rule (speeding, talking on their cell phones, driving a distinctly un-roadworthy vehicle, impaired driving, or any combination (or all simultaneously) of the above), the traffic police get frustrated by drivers who are following all the rules, so they try to extract a bribe anyway.

In any case, I was selected to pull over and confidently pulled out my Canadian driver's license. The officer took it without looking at it, started to walk away, glanced at it, stopped in his tracks, stared confusedly at it for several moments (much like a cow would stare at a new gate), then walked back, handed it to me and told me to have a nice day. While I'd like to believe he just let me go because I wasn't doing anything wrong, the truth is he probably just didn't know the rules regarding foreign driver's licenses, and because there were so many other police around, he assumed at least one would be honest and report him for soliciting a bribe, so he just let me go rather than taking the effort to check if the licence was, in fact, legit. So it was probably just laziness/incompetence rather than a genuine effort to do the right thing, but I'll give him a pass.

The next time was a couple of months later, and it was a smaller roadblock, so I knew this wasn't going to be easy. Not wanting to prove my internal monologue wrong, the officer skipped the "I'm going to pretend like I'm NOT corrupt" charade and went right into the whole bribery dance. After I produced my licence, she seemed to accept that it was valid. Then she asked for my traffic registration number certificate, which is an extra piece of paper the South African government makes people get before they can buy a vehicle, not because it makes any sense, but because it helpfully adds another layer of inefficiency to life here. The thing is, you only need that to BUY a car. Not to drive one. I do have one, though, because I had to buy a car here. That being said, nobody in their right mind would carry the original with them because a) it's not required by law and b) thefts are so common here that losing it is a very real possibility, and nobody wants to go through the pain of replacing it.

However, I happened to be driving my company vehicle, so I didn't need a traffic registration number at all. I informed the officer of this, but also told her I did have an electronic copy on my phone if she wanted to see it. She said by law I needed to have the original. I countered with the fact the law actually says I didn't need it. I'll save you all the details, but this went back and forth for roughly 18 days. I knew she just wanted me to offer a bribe and be done with it, and I'll give respect where respect is due- this woman had endurance. But so do I, and I had the time to kill. Eventually, she just asked how much money I had in my wallet. I told her I had none, and she asked to see. Of course I refused, and then she asked me what I had in the cooler bag on the passenger seat. This was starting to seem entirely familiar to the first time I got stopped. The only thing I had was an iced tea that I was saving for the Potato, but she asked if she could have it. I asked if I could leave once I handed it over, and she said yes, so I caved. She got an iced tea, and I got to continue about my day.

So that's 2/3 corrupt traffic cops, and one that just didn't feel like doing his job. I'll keep the tally going for as long as I'm here. If I can get below 50% corruption, I feel it'll be cause for celebration. However, I expect the more likely scenario is the police will just continue providing me with material to write about, and for that I thank them.

100% of the Traffic Police Here are Corrupt...

...at least according to the 1 interaction I've had. So I guess to make broad statements based on such a limited sample size is unfair. According to most accounts, both online and from local South Africans, the number is no higher than 98.7%.

I'll get into the traffic here in an upcoming post, but that's a topic all on its own. Picture a high-school play. All the actors are terrible and the play itself seems to have been created when a writer ingested a shockingly awful script and then farted out the partially digested remains, leaving the putrid stench of a new play clinging to the stage, the props, and the mortified audience, which is mostly comprised of long-suffering extended relatives of the evening's "stars." And there's a scene where the characters are in a car. And the driver of that car not only never once so much as glances at the road, but also moves the steering wheel maniacally back and forth, as if doing so wouldn't cause the immediate demise of his/her passengers and anyone else unfortunate enough to be on the road. THAT is what the drivers are like in South Africa. But like I said, that's another post entirely.

So I was driving along aimlessly, lost, as usual, because addresses are an abstract concept in South Africa and seem to be constructed solely to mess with people (for example, my address is 105 X Crescent. But it's stand 286. And 286 is the number on the house. But the ADDRESS is 105. Why? Because screw you, logic, that's why).

I turned a corner, and BOOM. Traffic stop. These things are everywhere. There will be 5-20 traffic cops fearlessly running onto the road or highway, playing Frogger with oncoming vehicles to randomly pull people over. In this particular case, I KNEW I was doing nothing wrong. I wasn't speeding. I had my seatbelt on. Both hands were firmly on the steering wheel, safely away from my phone, which I wasn't using for anything.

I pulled over, confident this would be a brief encounter. But what I didn't count on was South Africa's ability to make time screech to a halt. The officer asked to see my license, which I confidently produced. While it's a Canadian driver's license, the law here clearly states that foreign licenses are valid as long as they haven't expired and are written in English. Mine was both, so no problem.

The officer took one look and said, "I'm afraid you have a problem. This licence is no good here." I replied that yes, it was, and I'd be happy to direct him to the appropriate material to prove it. In reply, he told me he would have no choice but to slap me with a hefty fine. I knew he was either mistaken or bluffing, so I asked him to please write me the ticket and let me be on my way. He just stared at me for about 10 seconds, as if the conversation wasn't over, but then he disappeared behind me, only to reappear several minutes later and say "I'm sorry to tell you that not having a South African license is much more serious than I thought. I'm going to need to take you to jail." As much as the idea of being locked away in a foreign jail packed with muggers, murderers and worse wasn't appealing, I KNEW there was no way he could do that. So I turned off my engine and said, "OK, let's go to the police station."

Avi holding a South African traffic cop. 

He didn't like this at all, and I was really starting to suspect that this wasn't just a case of him not knowing the law. He told me to wait in my vehicle and walked away again, leaving me wondering how this was going to play out. Was I going to mysteriously "disappear," leaving my wife a widow and my children fatherless? If that was the case, would my life insurance policy be enough to provide for my family? What would Vicki's new husband be like? While he might be very handsome and wealthy, I quickly determined that he would have a crippling case of sleep flatulence. Not so perfect NOW, are you, replacement husband? Mercifully, before my mind could entirely descend down the rabbit hole, the cop came back and informed me he wouldn't have to take me to jail after all, but the ticket really was quite expensive. Didn't I have anything for him?

There it was. Tired of waiting for me to offer a bribe, he finally dropped a not so subtle hint. I always keep a cooler bag filled with drinks with me because shockingly enough, it gets bloody hot here, and when I assured the officer I had no money for him, he asked if I at least had a cold drink for him. Because he'd already wasted about 45 minutes of my time, I wasn't inclined to give him ANYTHING, but also because it was clear he had no qualms about wasting even more of my day, I caved. I passed him a Sprite Zero, which he happily took and then said "How about 50 bucks (they refer to the currency here, the Rand, as bucks. Right now, one Canadian dollar is worth about 10 rand) for lunch?"

We were clearly done here, so I just shook my head at him, put my car in gear, and drove away. And he made no move to stop me. I admit I felt a little dirty offering a bribe, albeit in the form of a paltry Sprite Zero, but I definitely see why many of my friends here simply offer R100 right away, just so they can continue with their day.

However, I think I'll just make sure I keep my cooler bag well stocked.