I'm Killing This Page- But There's a Brand New Website!

Hey everybody,

Some of you have been wondering why I've been silent the last little while. It's because I've been busy creating a brand new website for this blog. I put very little thought into starting this blog, and thanks to you, I've outgrown what I initially intended and made a brand new site with a brand new name. It'll have all the old posts from here, but this will be my last post on this site. From now on, I'll be posting at mapleandmarula.com

I'm not going to make this a long post- I put up a new post on the new blog, and from now on, go check that out!

Make sure you sign up for the new mailing list, and because I wanted to make a bunch of work for myself, I also made new Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter profiles (all are @mapleandmarula ).

Thanks for reading, and I'll see you over at mapleandmarula.com !

The Most Magnificent Sighting in Kruger Park

I've written about Kruger National Park before, and I'll do it again. You can't stop me. I've posted some pictures of the incredible animals we've seen there in a previous entry. And there's another one coming.

But nothing will match the absolute glory and natural splendour of the creature I stumbled across at a picnic site on our most recent visit to the park. 

I assume it's breeding season because this male specimen appeared to be in rut. At least that's what I think because his plumage was on full display. 

As is the case with any creature in the animal kingdom, the male struts around ridiculously in an attempt to lure a mate, and this was no exception. 

Without further ado, I give you the South African Boer:

Magnificent.

Note the intricacies of his garb.

First, the ever popular two-toned shirt. Here, they simply call it a khaki shirt (though they also come in shades of blue or green). I assume it's because in Afrikaans, the word for "crap" is "kak," which makes khaki a catch-all phrase to describe this peculiar fashion choice. Because the Boer knows he's got stiff competition from other aggressive Boers looking to mate, he isn't content to don apparel in just one colour. In fact, the lighter shade draws attention to his broad shoulders and ample breasts. This particular one has some intricate designs on the fabric to show his senstive, artistic side, along with the words "Off Road" to let his potential mates know he's not one of those sissy city Boers. 

But the Boer in rut isn't content to stop there, even though the shirt alone is striking enough. Drink in the stunning short shorts. The minimal length maximises thigh exposure. I've heard an expression here that goes "the nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat." It was in reference to lamb chops, but it seems to apply to apparel as well, and the Boers are very proud of their sweet thigh meat. I actually had to take several pictures because these shorts are not only sartorially spot-on, they also have the added advantage of highlighting the dominant males' testicles due to the shorts' snugness, which seems to be highly desirable to Boer females. The only way I could get a picture of him that would be appropriate for a family-friendly blog such as this was in mid-stride with the crease concealing his mate bait. You need to use caution around rutting Boers, because if they sit down directly in your line of sight, you may see more than you bargained for and will have to rinse your eyes with gallons and gallons of bleach afterwards. Also, if you look closely, you'll notice extra cargo pockets in this specimen's hot pants, because the two pockets in his shirt are simply not capable of carrying all the thousands of phone numbers suitors keep throwing at him. 

This particular male has opted for somewhat conservative socks that just peek above his boots, but it's not uncommon to see the Boer wearing socks that come up to their knees, which drives the ladies wild as they imagine what glorious treasures lie beneath the woollen covering blocking their view. 

And the outfit wouldn't be complete without the ubiquitous slip-on boots. These are effective for keeping both snakes and women away. The Boer will earnestly tell you this attire is pragmatic for work on the farm, but you'll often observe Boer males in groups - far from their farms and clearly not going to work - dressed exactly the same. 

If you're ever in South Africa and want to see one of these beauties for yourself, your best bet is to travel to one of the smaller towns; I haven't seen them in large herds in Johannesburg or Pretoria yet, but if you're lucky you may see a lone Boer who has been waylaid on his migration route. To really see them in all their splendour though, you need to be at least an hour outside the major city centres. 

I'm very grateful that I'm from Canada, and we have absolutely nothing that anyone could conceivably make fun of us for. Because who could possibly find fault with the Canadian Tuxedo?

Certainly not THESE guys. (source)

And there's nothing more beautiful than the Salmo Dinner Jacket. 

Nothing to see here. Other than pure, unadulterated Canadian awesomeness. (Source)

OK, fine. Maybe we're just as bad. Your turn, South Africa. Let 'er rip. 

Giraffes Are Morons

This post is going to be short and sweet. I've been swamped with work, screwing around, and writing a guest blog for the website that inspired me to start blogging in the first place, the wildly popular Joburg Expat. You can check out Part 1 here.

Also, we spent the last several days in Kruger National Park, which is my favourite place on Earth, and that's really saying something because I've been to several In-N-Out Burger locations. This last trip will pull at least a couple more posts out of me, but I thought I'd share something in the meantime. 

I assume you all have friends. Like, at LEAST one. If not, it's probably because you wear Crocs with socks or something ridiculous like that, and you deserve to die alone. Anyway, in your group of friends, you probably have a Billy. Billy is that guy who your circle of friends just tolerates. He's not a bad guy; he's just a moron. Nobody particularly likes him, and nobody particularly dislikes him. He's just there. If you're thinking to yourself "Wait, there's no Billy in MY group of friends," chances are, YOU'RE the Billy in your group.

Billy is always late to the party and can be counted on to do something stupid that will mildly embarrass you and your peers at every social function. 

Animals are no different, and I was fortunate enough to catch this gem on my dash cam a couple of days ago.

Meet giraffe Billy:

Billy is an idiot.